Narcissistic Relationship: The Vicious Cycle

I may have written about this topic a million times. Each time, for me, it feels like the first time. Maybe I am repeating what I once shared and maybe it is meant that I rewrite as many times as there are people out there needing to hear it.

No one willingly enters into a toxic relationship. No one in their right mind will fall in love with a monster. We find ourselves in love and in a deep relationship with one, after we have already been fooled. While there may be scientific explanations for why we attract such broken individuals in our lives, the average person is unaware, uneducated and in desperate need to be heard and understood.

I am here to tell you: I see you .. I hear you .. I understand you.. Period

It is my duty to educate and raise awareness. I will not allow what happened to me to be in vain. There was a reason why I suffered. There was a reason why I lived this pain. And there is a reason why you are here reading this article. There is a reason for me writing it.

Allow me to share what a typical Narcissistic Relationship looks like from beginning to end. From falling into the trap to healing deep wounds. They may all start in similar ways. The ending, however, is up to you. You choose how you want your ending to be. You have the pen to write your own chapter. Write it.

Falling under the spell to Living in a nightmare

Emotionally fall in love, on cloud nine, living in fantasy world, becoming absorbed by the intensity, everything happening so fast, you spend most of your time with them, you believe you have found the one, they are fulfilling your every desire, no one ever understood you like they have, they are your saviour

Mentally impressed by their personality & what they have to offer, fooled by their fake self, trusting in their promise, convinced you found your soulmate, you justify or ignore red flags, you see what you want to see, you are completely under the spell, reasoning and judgment is impaired

Physically experience different sides to them /live with them / get married / possibly have children together / the mask comes off, and the abuse is obvious, you are regularly devalued, disrespected, controlled, fairytale ends up into a nightmare, dreams are shattered, the reality is unbelievable and unbearable, complete exhaustion, constant battles and fights, living in negative energy, lost desires to do what you used to enjoy, you forgot what happiness means, living in fear, in some cases loss of self, in some cases loss of family and friends, loneliness, in some cases becoming suicidal, overall deterioration in health, high-stress levels, walking around eggshells all the times, the feeling of helplessness and despair 

Top 10 red flags you fell in love with a NARCISSIST

1)    They manipulate you into doing what they want

2)    They have two sides, one for the public and one for you behind closed doors

3)    They want to control you & everything about the relationship

4)    They care so much about their image & will do anything to protect it

5)    They lie and make up stories about anything & convince you of it

6)    They chip away at your self-worth & cause you to doubt your sanity

7)    They pretend to support you but slowly sabotage anything that matters to you

8)    They find ways to break up your close connections by any means possible

9)    They keep you dependent on them to guarantee you don’t go anywhere

10) They know when they have gone too far with their abuse & they follow the same system: love bomb - devalue - abuse - discard - hoover RINSE & REPEAT

Confronting Reality to Freedom

Emotional detachment falling out of love, love turns into detest, disgusted by their existence around you, complete turn off, withdrawal, stonewall, beginning to respond differently, becoming double personality, behaving in ways to protect yourself, preserving your energy by avoiding and walking away, seeing through the gaslighting, recognizing the love bombing, not falling for the bait to arguments, predicting the behaviour, preventing escalation of situations, distancing yourself, keeping information about you secret, setting boundaries and sticking by them

Mental Fog clearing you finally see them for who they are, you stop giving excuses, you are certain that they will never change even if you tried therapy, you conclude this is not what you want for the rest of your life, you decide to change your life, you plan your exit, fear of leaving, fear of your destruction if you don’t leave motivates you, changing from being in reactive to proactive mode, you start to take back some control over your life

Physical separation last step of the breaking free process, first it was necessary to detach emotionally. This is breaking the trauma bond.

Taking the step to physically remove yourself from the toxic environment takes a lot of courage but it would not even be possible if you haven’t processed your ‘exit’ while still being physically with the narcissist. You had to be emotionally ready, mentally strong and prepared for this last step. Technically you left the relationship the moment you mentally decided that they were a hopeless case and that you deserved better. You surprise them by leaving. You stand your ground. You block them from having access to you by all means. You go No Contact and never look back.

Top 10 motivators to EXIT

1)    They will never change

2)    They lied about everything

3)    They don’t know the meaning of love

4)    They don’t deserve you

5)    You are replaceable to them

6)    You were fooled and it’s not your fault

7)    You are better than them

8)    You get to decide how this story ends

9)    You deserve better than this

10) A better life awaits you

Brokenness to Healing

Physical Healing taking care of yourself and your body will be foreign to you at first, you will learn that you must rest, you will sleep a lot, you will have sleepless nights, you will feel like not getting out of bed for days, may feel like you want to be alone forever, you will struggle with eating, either too much of it or not enough, you may experience headaches or severe migraines, stomach aches and digestion issues. The many physical struggles you will face. But you will get through it with the right support.

Mental Healing the many scenarios you will play out in your head, the what ifs, the shoulda coulda woulda, it will all come, whether you like it or not, it will be overwhelming, you may feel like screaming out loud, you may think you are going crazy, then you realize, it is the contrary, you are now healing, and you must take it one step at a time. Sometimes we may have to seek help, whether it is from our trusted circle or professional help, whichever you feel comfortable with, rest assured, you don’t have to do this alone and there is always someone out there who can hear you.

Emotional Healing The emotional phase of healing takes the longest time, as it should, everyone is different, emotions are not easy to understand, express, or even recognize, you will struggle to name your emotions, be easy on yourself, and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel, you may cry so much that you can’t breathe and get into an anxiety attack, you may feel so numb that not even one tear is coming, we all deal with loss and grief differently, give yourself permission to let it pass through as it needs to, don’t force anything, don’t second-guess yourself, you will be just fine, give yourself time to heal and do the inner work when you are ready so that you may never have to go through this again.

Top 10 realizations during your HEALING JOURNEY

1)    They never truly loved you

2)    They are damaged and lost human beings

3)    They are on a mission to self-destruct

4)    They would have destroyed you more if you stayed longer

5)    You were just a supply

6)    You needed to go through this

7)    You learned more about yourself

8)    You have grown because of this experience

9)    Your life is not over it’s just beginning

10)  There is life after the Narcissist

This process of healing from a Narcissistic Relationship is one of those things you wonder why we have to go through. Kinda like going to rehab for a drug addiction or alcoholism. Fighting the demon. Battling an addiction. Why did we keep on doing what we knew was destructive? What were we numbing? What were we afraid to face?

Unfortunately, ending up in a relationship with a Narcissist has its unexplained addiction. It’s an emotional one. An intangible type of addiction. Not until you uncover your unhealed wounds, fears and patterns will you ever know what that intangible thing is. For many, it is a need to fill a void, a need that the Narcissist uses to make their way into your heart and into your life. Like the snake they are. When you are not paying attention, the venom is released into your system, slowly killing you. It is not over until it is over. The venom can poison you, but it doesn’t have to kill you. You can release this venom out of your system. You can stand up and walk away from the snake when he is not looking. You can escape death, and you can heal yourself. You can dig and find out about that need that got you in this mess in the first place. And it is that need, once you heal from, you will never fall for another toxic person again.

May you find FREEDOM from the prison of a narcissistic relationship

May you find HEALING from whatever demons you are battling

May you find PEACE, love and joy that you absolutely deserve