Forgiveness

"Don't forgive because it's the right thing to do, forgive because it's what you want to do" ~ Aly Johnson

How often do we repeat quotes like these in our daily lives and truly understand the depth of forgiveness? Do we really know how to forgive? And why is it that we do not practice this more often?

Inevitably, we will be faced with a situation where someone let us down, we get hurt, and the levels of hurt will vary on the type of relationship, the circumstance and the closeness level. Having said that, it is almost a sure thing, that at some point in our lives, we will be the one to let someone down or hurt them. Some people intentionally hurt others, and some do it unconsciously without premeditation. Either way, our feelings get hurt, we become deeply scarred and traumatized. Some scars deeper than others, some easier to be forgiven, while some so horrific almost unforgivable.

Each one of us would like to be forgiven for our wrong doing. We wish we could be given a second chance to correct the wrong or to prove we are not that bad. We may experience guilt and shame for a long time. It is hardest when we realize we hurt the most important and closest person in our life. If it was just a stranger, someone we don’t interact with regularly or share a history, we are bound to forget it faster. For those who have a conscious, they will live with regret for a while, which is the normal way to feel because we are emotional beings. If hurting a stranger does not cause any disturbance, this might be the case of a more serious issue that requires healing and perhaps therapy or counselling. Contrary when it is someone we love, someone we do not wish any harm, the feelings are different then. We wish we could rewind back time, erase what was said and done, pretending it never happened. We all know it does not work that way.

This being the perspective of being the one that caused pain and hurt. However, if it is the other side of the coin, it is a whole new ball game.

We tend to have a very difficult time letting go of feelings of hurt, anger and resentment towards the person that inflicted the pain. It is even harder when the person is one of the closest people to us. It is because we were vulnerable to them, so open and they made the horrible mistake of saying or doing the wrong thing that tipped us over the edge. Even though we love them dearly, we are so disappointed in them and baffled by their actions. To the degree of closing ourselves off, blocking them if we need to in order to heal our pain in whatever way feels comfortable to us at the time.

In some situations, particularly in close relationships, I believe it is actually healthier to cut the person off from your life completely. In less severe situations, I find taking some time to cool-off, reassess and recalibrate, helps in gaining some objectivity on the matter. It is always better to think with a clear head, not while you are hurt. Keeping in mind, when making detrimental decisions, use your own judgment. If you feel it is necessary, then go for it and don’t hesitate. Follow your gut feeling, it knows best. However, when the situation just needs time and there is still hope to make amends and get back on track, be patient and refrain from taking hasty actions.

The only person who  knows what is best for you, is you. Listen to others, but don’t allow their lack of understanding of the whole picture that you only see, affect you. Remember, no one ever, will feel your pain. No one will ever know what it was like living a moment in your shoes. Gladly, listen to advice, be objective, take time to think and be in a place of calm. If you do so and still want to cut someone out of your life for good, do it. And do it sooner than later. Do not wait for the right time. Because there is no right time. Just do it. And do not be fooled by empty promises of them changing. It is all lies. How many times have you witnessed someone promising to change and actually follow through - consistently? People don’t change, unless they are on a path of evolving themselves. No one changes to please another person. They always go back to their old habits because it was never about them truly wanting to change. Even if you hear them say those words. Observe how they justify things and slowly get back to the same old ways. Actions speak louder than words. Consistent action too, not just temporary.

Some questions we may ponder in order to make our decision:

1.      Did this person mean to hurt me or just a mistake?

2.     Is it possible for this person to repeat the behaviour that caused this hurt?

3.     Is there a pattern I have not paid attention to?

4.     Am I practicing self-love if I were to allow this person to remain in my life?

5.     Will I be able to actually forgive and move on with the relationship?

6.     Will I be able to live with myself knowing that I walked away from this person for my best interest?

7.     Have I given the person a chance to explain themselves?

All kinds of questions we can run through. We start to second guess ourselves and wonder if we ever knew this person. We wonder if we were fooled all this time, replaying every beautiful moment shared. That’s when we get to a place of confusion.  It is hard to let go of someone we once cared about so deeply. It is hard to believe that they are capable of hurting us after professing their undying love. How could this be? We try to find excuses and reasons as to why they hurt us, rationalizing and analyzing every detail till the point of insanity.

At some point we may even start to blame ourselves and begin to find excuses for the inappropriate and hurtful behaviour. This and so much more is possible while trying to deal with our feelings. In order to reach the stage of true forgiveness, we will go through what may seem as a logical stage and an emotional stage. They both go hand in hand. We will not have one without the other. It is important to allow each stage to take its turn so we can remain balanced.

I have had my share of these experiences I can write a book about them. The number of times I got hurt and disappointed by the people closest to me. The amount of pain I had to deal with over my lifetime. I cannot express into words the damage caused by some of those hurtful experiences. Although I have been on the receiving end of it mostly, I still remember one of the most regretable things I ever did to someone I truly cared about. The memory of it haunts me and I continue to heal, getting closer and closer to the ultimate resolution.

The lesson I learned is that not only is it important to forgive those who wronged you, but it is even more important to forgive yourself for the wrongs you have done. It will not get you anywhere to keep punishing yourself for something that passed. Even though I say these words, there is a nudge in my heart as I recall my wrong-doing. I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven others. I was faced with several tough decisions as to whether I should continue to have this person in my life or just let them go for good. I have done both. I have let some people go, I have forgiven some right away, I have forgiven some over a long period of time and regained the relationship, while some I am still undecided about. I do not think that this situation ever ends. There will be people who remain dear to your heart. And then there will be people who are new to your heart and you have to go through the whole process of whether to give them another chance and whether they deserve your love to begin with. It is a cycle, that is for sure.

It is important to pay attention when the person who hurt you regrets what happened sincerely and is trying to gain your forgiveness and trust. However, in the end, everyone must look out for themselves. Not all people we become involved with, are meant to be there forever. Some are here to stay for a long time, and some for a shorter period of time. Some end without knowing why, and some end with a disaster. Some you may be unsure of and not know what to do with it. Our relationships vary and are there in our lives to fulfill certain purposes, even the ones that hurt us.

If and when we decide to forgive the person, make sure you are ready to do it. Don't just say it but in your heart, holding a grudge. Don't pretend to forgive because you do not want to hurt them by not forgiving them. You are hurting them by lying and not being straight forward about your feelings. You may be willing to forgive but the hurt is so much that you might need some time to heal the wound first. You need to communicate that. If you want to salvage the relationship, if the person means that much to you. You must be willing to open yourself up again at some point, when ready, or else you are fooling yourself and the person involved.

Then there are those situations you find yourself in where you really care about this person and you have been hurt by them more than once. Every time you think you ought to forgive, thus you do. Then you are let down again and again. There comes a time when you will have just about enough hurt from one person. And you are faced with what seems to be a shattering decision, you are damned if you do and damned if you do not. You will be hurt if you stay and if you go. My advice to you, pick the least one and trust in your intuition that led you to this point. Usually choosing to walk away is the healthiest choice for yourself.

At the end of it all, you have to look after your own heart - no one will do it for you - by no one - I mean NO ONE. You are on your own. Make the decision that only YOU can live with. Try to not allow others to influence your decision in forgiving someone whether by sneaky tactics or by guilt-tripping you. Do not fall for empty promises. Remember this: 'action speaks louder than words'. Find a way to forgive always and let go of the past. Some say forgive and forget so you can really move on with your life. Some say forgive but don't forget so you will always be on guard. I say forgive the person, don't forget the lesson learned, let it go, I mean really let it go, be careful, and just be honest with yourself. If you are not ready to forgive yet, then don't rush it. If you can't find a way to let it go, continue to punish this person, making them feel bad about what happened, then you are better off not being in their life because it is not healthy for either of you.

"I forgive you", one of the most powerful statements that we can ever say to someone. When you say it, mean it, and live by it.