The Silent Treatment

Raise your hand in the air if you are guilty of using this method with people in your life. Whether in the past or in the present.

Fine, I will be the first one to raise my hand. Here I am. 🙋‍♀️ Guilty.

I have used it and am not proud of it. The question is why do we resort to silence and what is our intention in using this method? Why is it a frowned-upon thing to do? What are the implications for our relationships?

Believe me when I tell you, speaking for myself, I never had the intention to give someone the silent treatment. In fact, I don’t enjoy it one bit. Furthermore, it bothers me because I feel like there is unfinished business that needs to be handled.  

Having said that, I sometimes feel that certain situations need a bit of space and silence, in order for the parties involved to cool off, regroup, think clearly and work things out. Many times, it ends up being ridiculous misunderstandings. Other times, you realize that taking a step back allows you to think things through and perhaps start to see things from a different perspective, either on your own or by involving a trusted third party.

In any case, giving someone the silent treatment must have a cause and effect. For starters, something triggered this extreme behaviour. The fact you reached the point where you don’t want to talk to that person or see them. And the situation gets you all worked up. Then it is better you take your time to regroup before trying to fix it.

The thing is, not in all cases the feelings are mutual. Not in all scenarios you will have two people thinking the same way and feeling the same, even handling challenging situations in the same manner. Some people want to talk about it and solve it now. While some need some time to cool down, perhaps they are trying to avoid having things escalate further unnecessarily.

You have some people though who keep pushing the buttons by saying all the wrong things because they want the other person to react and let it all blow up. They think it’s better to let things explode because that is working things out in their opinion. These people have no patience, they do not want to wait and deal with it later. Some people just don’t understand that just because you are ready to fix things after the damage occurred, the other person is ready too.

Then of course you have those who just disappear, leaving things hanging, not providing any explanation. No communication. No mercy. No loyalty. No care in the world.

Cutting someone off abruptly, purposely ignoring, ghosting or not responding are all considered manipulative and unhealthy behaviours. Denying someone the opportunity to communicate or at least be aware of the existence of a problem is utter selfishness and disrespect. In addition to using this method as a guilt-trip, control or punishment tactic. In cases like these, where the silent treatment is being used maliciously, it indicates the individual is more disturbed than anything. And perhaps requires professional help.

On the other hand, choosing to keep silent or take some space for a while to regroup and work things out calmly at a later time is a very smart choice for some people.

As long as you communicate clearly and kindly to the other person your request for some space, then at least, they will not struggle to read your mind or keep guessing what’s going on. This will eliminate a lot of unnecessary feelings of self-guilt, blame and shame. Also, by letting them know that you need some time and that you will contact them when you are ready to discuss things, it emphasizes decent intent. It also indicates your respect and consideration towards others.

In addition to communicating intent to circle back at a discussion after taking some time and space to cool off, it is important to consider, that when you are ready to have the discussion, the other individual may not be ready at the exact point in time. Perhaps things have changed for them and they need some time after you break the silence. Having said that, let’s remember this is not a push-and-pull game or about control or who has the last say. Let’s not fall into the EGO trap:

“oh, now you are ready! Well, I’m not ready, so you wait, the same way you made me wait.”

Frankly, this is not an easy clear-cut subject to discuss. Because there are many ways of looking at it. I just tried to show a few scenarios where this could occur. But I’m sure there are things I have not come across in my life and probably not the best to provide a proper course of action.

What I do know, is that I was wrong a few times by giving people the silent treatment and expected them to psychically know what I am upset about. I was so blinded by my anger. I was wrong in the way I handled a few issues. Now I know better.

Without giving myself any excuses, I’m just wondering if I was simply repeating in my adulthood, what was done to me in my childhood. I resented it then but then found myself doing the exact thing I suffered from. The good thing is I am recognizing it. I am confronting my Traumas and calling it as it is. I am not afraid or ashamed to say that I was wrong. I am healing.

So here I am, sharing with you my own misuse of the silent treatment. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes and learned from them. As a matter of fact, I am continuing to learn. And in confronting myself, I am allowing the opportunity for growth. Now it’s time for you to be honest with yourself.

What do you need to work on?

Have you misused the silence method?

What are your true intentions?

How have your methods helped you?

How do you feel about your actions towards other people?

Are you liking the person you see in the mirror?

Ask yourself.