What happened to our intimacy?
A question many couples ask when they hit a solid wall in their relationship. Whether they have been dating for years, living together, or married with children. There are many common influences that cause the end result of a lack of intimacy and an apparent detachment. Just as intimacy took some time to be built, it also took some time to be lost. It doesn’t happen overnight in either case. One must first understand that intimacy cannot be forced. It cannot be faked. It cannot be planned.
Some couples never experience intimacy. They mistake their hot sex life as intimacy, but it is not. Sex is not the same as intimacy. As a matter of fact, when we refer to intimacy, sex is only one part of it, not the main part. Unfortunately, many couples don’t understand this concept and many never experience true intimacy. This is very sad because they are missing out on the best part of the relationship. Having said that, everyone will experience what they are ready for.
Intimacy is not something you set out to accomplish. It is the end result, the conclusion so to speak of the synchronicity between two people who are completely invested in each other. Intimacy stems from love essentially. Not any kind of love, rather, one that is not based on the superficial and the main stream.
Intimacy becomes the natural result of two people loving each other with a few other ingredients in the mix. Love alone is not enough to allow people to be so connected to the point of intimacy.
There must be mutual respect between the two. It needs to be consistent and from both sides. By respect, this entails respecting each other when words are spoken and when considering each other when making decisions that affect both parties.
Respect comes in different forms that some couples don’t pay attention to. It is important to respect each other’s individuality and independence from each other. A definition of a couple does not mean you lose yourself. Rather, it is a union of the two. You do things together. You share your lives. Ultimately, you are still two separate people with own emotions, needs and desires. You may not share every single goal, interest, hobby, and activity. That’s totally fine. There needs to be an understanding that you are not glued to the hip because you are a couple. It is okay to spend time separately. It is okay to have your private time with your friends or by yourself. It is okay if you decide you want to go for a walk on your own.
Couples need to practice allowing each other the freedom to be who they are, as they are without trying to conform them to the ideals they carried or believed in throughout their lives. This is why it is imperative to be honest with each other about who you are, your expectations and your boundaries. Especially if you are planning to get married. Discuss the major points that you cannot live without and make it clear. If you find there is struggles in compatibility, then maybe this relationship is not right for both of you. Love alone will not keep you together. Eventually, it will end because you cannot live with someone where your needs are not being met and you are unable to agree on most of the serious components of your life together. Intimacy will never be attained in such a dynamic.
Another ingredient to attain intimacy is trust. And by that, it means no doubts whatsoever that you are in good hands. Thoughts about infidelity doesn’t even cross your mind. Thoughts about keeping secrets from one another never came up. Thoughts about feeling safe with your life are second nature. There are no doubts that the one you love will ever intentionally hurt you, harm you or treat you poorly. That’s absolute trust. Without this trust, one may not be able to open themselves up to intimacy.
Undoubtedly, an unspoken profound chemistry between couples has been proven to be one important ingredient for intimacy. Although, there are couples who didn’t initially have this type of chemistry and still achieved a form of intimacy. A natural chemistry, makes it much easier for the couple. And by chemistry, it is not limited to sexual chemistry. While sexual attraction is indeed another vital ingredient, yet intimacy is not entirely dependent on it.
Ever noticed how some couples look at each other? Ever witnessed a couple finishing each other’s sentences or saying the exact thing at the same moment then giggling. That’s a form of intimacy. The couple are so in-sync with each other. They are working together. They are on the same wave-length. There is no competition. There is no one trying to control the other. There is no one being right and the other is wrong. There is no battle or power struggle. They are just in-sync. And by that it doesn’t mean they will agree on everything all the time. They will still disagree, but they won’t fight unnecessarily. They know how to talk to each other. There is nothing they need to prove. They love each other, so everything they do, they have each other’s best interest. And that is a form of intimacy. It is the most real form. The way couples interact on a day-to-day basis with each other. It’s just so beautiful to attain.
Back to sexual chemistry. While sex is the glue that keeps couple together. It is not the end-all-be-all either. A couple’s sexual relation will change constantly throughout the course of their relationship. In the beginning, there is a lot of it. Then it gets boring and repetitive. Then you ignite it once more and create more fun. Then you just get used to the ebb and flow of having interest to not having interest. That’s just how it usually works. To no-fault of the couple. Yet they are responsible for allowing the situation to worsen and taking each other for granted.
Surely, there are reasons that influence the detachment, yet, one cannot use those as excuses to justify the outcome. Some of those reasons include: external stresses that affect the mood, hormones that affect the desire, kids that affect the energy to do anything after running around all day, or limited time, or conflicting work schedules, or not taking time alone and so on.
A couple may have the best sexual relationship in the beginning, but it may die down after some time. For some, it dies quicker than others. Some couples make the effort to keep their sexual life a priority no matter what is going on. Others, get sucked in to the life cycle with all their worries and challenges, lose interest and just can’t be bothered. That’s the reality of how we are living today.
Other couples may have experienced intimacy at some point in their relationship, and one day it is just gone. There could be several explanations to loosing intimacy. However, I will share one important reason that many couples may relate to. And that they are turned-off. This could be from both sides or one-sided.
The turn-off happens over time as the couple experience one disappointment after the next, constant fighting, and it seems like you are not being heard no matter how much you tried to express your feelings. There comes a point when you just give up. You can’t be bothered wasting your energy anymore when your partner can’t seem to get it. The respect is gone, trust is gone, love is sometimes gone, other times hanging by a thin thread. This is not a good place to be in. In order to get to that place of connection and intimacy again, it will require a lot of work. But it is possible if the couple are committed to saving their relationship. Sometimes, it is just done and you may have to accept that this relationship was here to teach you a lesson. Now it’s time to move on to the next phase in your journey.
You might wonder then, how can we attain intimacy? Or how can we preserve it? The answer is simple. The more you focus on what you don’t have, you will not have it. All you need to do is just work on yourself to being the best partner you can be. You cannot control how your partner behaves. But you can communicate and work together on resolving the main issues you are facing. Allow time to connect you back together. Lower down the defensive walls when you feel safe to do so. It is important you don’t rush the process. When you feel safe, you will connect. And when you connect over a period of time without any setbacks, you will find yourself in the best intimate relationship ever. And you won’t even know when it happened. You will just know that you are.
