IS IT LOVE?

Yet another love article. Another one among many already posted and perhaps more to come. As long as we are alive, we will keep wondering, pondering and trying to understand the big L word. We can’t help ourselves. We are always questioning. We crave to find answers so we can find peace. Some of us can’t get out of bed, while some can’t function a day, others won’t be able to focus - not until we reach to some sort of conclusion in our minds about why, how and what we feel, where it’s leading us and what actions should we take moving forward. We are questioning constantly … Is it love?

Is it love? Real love? Or is it attraction? Or is it infatuation? Or is it lust? Or is it an obsession? Or is it a need? Or is it attachment? Or is it comfort zone? Or is it friendship? Or is it ‘friends with benefits’? Or is it passing the time? Or is it companionship? Or is it desperation? Or is it fulfilling an obligation? Or is it a business deal?

Lots of possibilities when you are making sense of two individuals tied together somehow. The individuals themselves could be asking those questions in an attempt to label what they have. And it can also be outsiders being ‘nosy’, bored or distracting themselves from their own lives by meddling into others’. Whichever the case may be, there are questions posed as to what this relationship is.

In my own society where I grew up, from a very young age I was programmed to follow a system that is based on labeling everything, categorizing, segregating and judging. I was taught that everything must have a purpose, a meaning, a direction, a benefit. I was influenced to follow the norm that already exists, otherwise I was outcasted, ridiculed and devalued. Safe to say, I grew up with a belief system that at some point along my journey, questioned, to the point I am here today.

Needless to say, I question the necessity to label relationships, rather than focusing on its foundation. Many people are in relationships and they don’t even know if they love each other. Some are married for years without ever knowing. Many others are in the relationship for their own gain, not caring one bit about the other. It’s about a need that’s being fulfilled, pleasing the family, fitting in with the culture, or just following the next phase in life right after graduating and getting a job. It’s on the to do list.

While other relationships are based on what may seem to be called Love, yet their actions don’t indicate that. The couple may have started their journey on a romantic love story. It may have been initiated with a chase. Until Cupid did its work, love was in the air, floating on cloud nine, then following the next steps by getting married. Only to grow apart a few years later, finding themselves in what seems to be a prison, a life sentence with no parole.

Is it love? Where is the love? What is the understanding of love? If couples truly understood the foundation of their relationship, we wouldn’t be seeing the rising rates of divorce, separation and domestic violence.

When you truly love someone you will set them free and allow them to be themselves, loving them as they are, accepting them as they are, not trying to change them to fit your need and desire. If you are constantly dissatisfied with your partner, nagging for them to change. That’s not real love

When you truly love someone you will stand by them in their storm, while giving them the space to figure things out on their own, being supportive and ready to jump in to the rescue when they ask or are in dire need, not forcing yourself, your own ideals or beliefs, and not forcing help with your methods. Who said they want you to fix anything for them. Maybe all they just want is to know you are there. If you don’t get that concept and if you don’t apply it. If you insist on doing what YOU think is right. That’s not real love.

When you love someone you recognize when you need to step back and let them take care of themselves and whatever is going on in their lives. Recognizing they have a life outside of you. Just because you are together doesn’t mean they don’t get to have their own thing. Insinuating yourself in everything, not respecting their space or privacy, distracting them from accomplishing what they need in their career or studies, demanding they give you their undivided attention. That’s selfish, a possessive attitude, a sense of entitlement and simply, it’s not real love.

When you love someone, you know there are other components that must be present for the relationship to succeed. Loving someone only is not enough. Loving someone is not by saying the words a million times with puppy eyes. It’s not by the gifts, cards or fun things you do. It’s not by gazing in their eyes and making promises for the future.

It’s about respect, trust, honesty, compassion, empathy, patience, understanding, being kind, making them your top priority, accepting them as they are, communicating openly and frequently in a loving way, allowing them the space to be, respecting their privacy, removing the word ‘expectation’ from your dynamic, instead it’s about providing what you both need from each other. Understanding also that you may not get everything you wanted exactly the way you wanted. And that’s not your partner’s fault. You chose them, remember. Learning to receive their love, their way. Being thankful for them. For everything they do. For being in your life. Period. Now I can call that Real Love.

What I’m describing here is not something out of the ordinary. Or something that is impossible to experience. It’s so simple, that when you think about it, you will realize that humans have complicated their relationships unnecessarily. All it takes is a little reflection, a little questioning, a little unlearning of the unhealthy belief system that never served us. Okay, maybe it requires a little more work. The point here, it is possible. We can have healthier relationships. We can experience Real Love. First we have to BE Love internally, so that we can give it to someone, and as a result, you will get back what you dish out. That’s the Love cycle. You give love, you will get love back.

I wish you all lots of love. I wish you all happiness and joy. I wish you all fulfillment in your relationships.